A Wounded Child is Born
My little sister Cherry was 18 months old when she died from my father’s wrath. It happened on a chilly and damp night in Richmond Park, a picturesque mountain village in Jamaica, about 90-minutes by car ride on the bumpy road to Kingston.
During that frightful chilly night, Cherry did not succumb to the anger of my father to stop crying. At his wits end, he placed her outside the family bedroom into the dark, leaving her there to wail. I was very frightened and helpless to change what was happening. I finally cried myself to sleep.
Not long after, the doctor diagnosed Cherry with pneumonia. I stayed by her bedside gazing at her with the love we shared. Finally, my mother sent me out of the room telling me that Cherry was going off to sleep. Cherry never woke up. She was the love of my life, the only one I opened my heart to. My best friend. I never got to say good bye. I was 4½.
No child of that age knows how to deal with this kind of trauma. I locked it away for over 35 years. I was left with the belief that what I love will be taken away. My heart began to close down. I became a wounded child without knowing it.
Shame and Blame
From a very young age, my mother blamed me for my difficult childbirth. Early in her pregnancy she visited the village psychic who told her that she could die during delivery. The psychic was right. I was an unusual breach. Three days of labor passed before the midwife literally pulled me out and saved us both.
Throughout my childhood my mother would turn the anguish of my birth against me. “You were born to kill me”, she would commonly say.
I continued to be the target for her unhappiness. Being blamed was constant. There was physical abuse as well. And emotional abuse was ongoing. If I misbehaved she would threaten to hang me by my tongue from the ceiling. But the most frightening threat was her promise to sell me in the market.
In my innocence, I believed all this intimidation to be true. My life was wrapped up in the belief that I was not wanted and I did not belong in this family. I withdrew in a world of aloneness. Shrouded in a cocoon of ongoing sadness and feeling all alone, I continued to wonder, “Why was I born?”
No Place to Turn
Drawn to the Spiritual
During these times my daydreams became my companion. In Sunday school I learned about God and Jesus. I was very contemplative and was fascinated with the mystery of God. I would say, “I do not belong here.” I would ask, “Why was I born?” “Where is God?” These questions stayed with me and sadness shrouded my inner core. At seven I started writing a book about life. I saw life to be a spider’s web. When it breaks you fall. And that’s what happened to me, I feel into a void.
I continued to live from my inner struggle and kept my childhood shame hidden. My continuous focus was still from a place of Spirit. I was drawn to household helpers and others who had a mystical way about them. Although village folks were uneducated by traditional standards, their psychic and spiritual ways deeply fascinated me. This attraction continued throughout my life. I began to understand that I had untrained Shamanic abilities.
Going Deeper into the Emotional Body
Business was natural for me. My then-husband and I started a successful pharmacy in Jamaica. Although during that time I had no financial problems, I deeply felt that something was missing and I continued longing for the revelation of life’s mystery to unfold. I continued to focus more and more on the unknown and unseen.
Over and over, the same question would arise: “Why am I here?” Inwardly I was seeking a more fulfilling way of serving God. That’s why I finally walked away from the business world.
From the time I was a young child, I had always heard the inner voice of Spirit which I would instinctively follow. This also served to sharpen my intuitive nature. So being ‘told’ to get into massage school, I readily signed up. I quickly discovered that massage was really about getting familiar with the energy body and the emotional imprints of the wounded child.
During the time of massage school, I was stricken with intense emotional pain that lasted weeks. The pain was relentless. I wanted to hide in the smallest corner of my home. But, no matter where I went, I was not able to hide from my anguish.
The Turning Point: Meeting the Wounded Child
It was a day no different than any other. I was now 40 years old when the wounded child unexpectedly appeared. She looked to be about ten years old.
In silence and with great sadness she stared directly into my eyes. I had long detached myself from my childhood unhappiness and had no interest in having any part of my wounding childhood memories in my life. Convincing myself that I am not connected to her and not interested in seeing her, I felt disturbed and stared into her eyes and told her in no uncertain terms, to go away. I was determined to get her out of my life. She continued to hang around for three weeks while I went about trying to distract myself with daily chores. I could not dismiss her. I was helpless. In those three weeks something started to change. I knew we had to connect. But I didn’t know how.
Then, through a spiritual friend, I experienced that my hardened heart was veiled with emotional wounds. I could no longer push away the wounded child. Just the opposite: I saw that I needed to merge my memories with my emotional imprints, to feel my feelings, and to embrace them. This was the beginning of my self-healing
The Portal to Spirit Begins to Open
Intense self-healing continued. My pain began to dissolve and my emotional cage began disintegrating. There was a profound sense of spaciousness that continued to expand as more and more childhood conditioning faded away and the veil of wounds lifted to expose my heart.
My soul’s treasures now surfaced. Although I was already intuitive, the gifts of empathy, clairvoyance, and clairaudience began to surface. These gifts started to appear when I began seeing clients. I had no training in psychology nor in the healing arts. When clients spoke about their difficulties, I was able to see and feel the underlining wounds. And, most amazingly, it was not “me” who was doing the healing. The healing was coming from Spirit working through me. Intuition and inner guidance became the norm. I never questioned these gifts. I fully engaged in my soul’s journey.
The Shaman Reveals Herself
My Jamaican birthplace had its roots in African culture and in the ways of Spirit. These indigenous ways were based on mysticism, herbs, and shamanic practices. My attraction to rituals, spirit and natural healing came from within my being that was entwined in deep contemplation with the mystery of life.
This unexplained mystery is what called me, years later, to experience Ayahuasca, known as the sacred vine of the Peruvian jungle. I strongly felt that I had known her before. Ayahuasca is an ancient medicine honored by the shamans of South America. They learned of her wisdom and mystery through their sacred rituals and ceremonies. This mystical plant is also known as the vine of the soul. My relationship with her has been deep and personal as she led me down the path of a deeper connection with my soul. She supported me into expanding my vision, intuition and empathy through profound spiritual and mystical experiences. On a momentous morning after an Ayahuasca ceremony, we all came together to share our experience. One participant shared the memories that came up about his childhood wounds. It was my compassion and empathy for the wounds suffered by children that drew me spontaneously towards him to comfort the child within. As I came close to him, spirit acknowledged me as Mother to the Wounded Children.
When it was time for our relationship to shift, her gift to me was the embodiment of a deeper sense of devotion to the Divine. In this way Ayahuasca took me from a deep altered state into my everyday state to fully and to consciously feel this devotion in every cell of my body. Devotion to the Divine is now in the forefront of my life. And this is the consciousness from which I serve my clients..
A Shaman Disguised as an Wounded Child Therapist
Up until 2012 my healing practice focused on the Wounded Child. My service supported clients in getting in touch with early traumatic events – both conscious and unconscious – that served to run their lives.
I was intuitive, spiritually oriented, and in divine service to my clients. When they couldn’t ‘hear’ the cry of the child within, as an instrument of Spirit, I was able to quickly zero in on wounds that were entrapping those who came to me. The Wounded Child would freely reveal herself to me. Once a client was able to re-connect with her inner self, emotional imprints that were causing present day suffering began to disappear.
The Turning Point: From Wounding to Awakening
Although I am not much of a reader, I was pulled to books written by awakened masters, including Mooji, Eckhart Tolle, Jed McKenna and Adyashanti.
On a flight to Jamaica in 2012, I was reading one of Jed’s books. In an instant, I was jolted into an altered state. About 20 feet down the aisle appeared a cloud-like figure of myself. Instantly I knew the image was the person I had been conditioned to be.
She was not the True Self. She was a mirage. It was Me, True Self, that was doing the witnessing. The True Self had no problems. It was simply the witnessing Presence observing the person I had thought I was for all my life. I, True Self, was seeing that all along I had mistaken my True Nature for the person that I was conditioned to be by past experiences and ancestral heritage.
This was my spiritual awakening: I, True Self, the Divine Spark, woke up to the fiction of Radavie – the conditioned self — that I, the Divine Spark, up until now, believed My Self to be. This was a moment of Awakening.
In less than an instant, all aspirations I’d been harboring for years to achieve higher levels of spirituality were seen as coming from the conditioned self, the person, that I, the Divine Spark, had taken My Self to be. To think, I had spent nearly a lifetime cultivating a spiritual persona and engaging in spiritual practices only to be constructing a mirage.
A major shift of perception had taken place. The person – the mirage – was separate from who I have always been. In that moment I saw the mirage as an imposter that portrayed a non-existent person, a ghost that I had all along mistaken myself to be.
Spirit, Beingness, the I AM, True Self, Aware Presence, Divine Spark, by any other name, is what I am. It is what we are. There was an awakening of Truth to Itself. This realization was a shock. There was no turning back from this shift in perception. Spiritual Awakening had occurred.
The Wounded Child Comes Forth
I now knew that human identification is not who we are. We, Divine Sparks, are seemingly trapped in the human condition. Human conditioning is a veil that separates the Divine Spark from Itself. I realized that the Wounded Child represents the never ending quest for happiness. It seeks relief from suffering through relationships, possessions and states of mind.
My Calling is Your Calling
Our True Nature is our divine, unlimited, innocent self. For most of my life, childhood wounds served as a veil that seemingly blocked out my True Nature, like the raised hand that can screen out the entire sun.
I wanted to forget my childhood wounds. But to no avail. They followed me everywhere. My wounds were hungry ghosts that would feed on the drama and trauma of my formative and later years. My mind was a haunted house and I couldn’t find the exit.
Now, when I look back, I see how my childhood wounds were a blessing. My suffering caused me to question the very purpose of my existence. Why did I come into the world and suffer? Why would God make me suffer? This inquiry went on for years.
Then there was a defining moment … a point in time where the veil lifted and my True Nature revealed Itself. A shift in perception occurred. I was no longer defined by past suffering or current conditions. I saw that Cherry, my little sister, represented the love that could never be lost. Only veiled. That’s when I awakened from my wounds. And so can You.